


Never Enough

by naasad



Series: AtomWave OneShots [2]
Category: Arrow (TV 2012), DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV), The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, Autistic Barry Allen, Autistic Ray Palmer, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Give Ray All The Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Platonic Hand-Holding, Poor Ray Can't Take Anymore, Pre-Slash, Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-25
Updated: 2018-04-25
Packaged: 2019-04-27 17:17:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14430381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/naasad/pseuds/naasad
Summary: Ray took a deep, shaky breath. "It's my fault, really. I wasn't good enough. I've got four PhDs and I'm never - never good enough."





	Never Enough

**Author's Note:**

> Ah, here's that angst that I managed to avoid last time. Jsyk, I haven't finished S3 yet, so this might not be canon-compliant, but hey! That's why we write fanfiction in the first place, right? ;) (No spoilers, please!)

Ray let his head thunk against the wall of his quarters, slapping his palms on his thighs, as he waited for this to pass. It would, he hoped, pass. It wasn’t Nate’s fault he had a new best friend. Ray should’ve been a better one in the first place. A better teammate, too. It wasn’t the Legends’ fault he was redundant. They just didn’t need him. A fact he was about to prove.

“Ray!” Sara snapped, pounding on the locked door once more. “Are you okay?”

Ray swallowed, made sure he would sound like his normal, cheery self. “Fine!” he called. Fucked up, insecure, neurotic, and emotional, his brain helpfully supplied. Yeah, he was a fuck up.

“Well, if you’re not in the cargo bay in the next five minutes, we’re leaving without you.”

“Okay!” He drew his knees up to his chest and rocked back and forth until his anxiety was a much more manageable ball of nausea, then he simply rested his forehead on his knees. “Are they gone, yet, Gideon?” he whispered.

“Yes, Dr. Palmer,” the computer answered.

Ray sighed and curled up tighter. “Let me know when they get back, or if they run into trouble they can’t handle.” He doubted the latter. This was simply the last in a long line of experiments.

Gideon did as he asked, and when the team returned, he met them in the library.

“How did it go?” He fidgeted with a pen, hoping they wouldn’t notice how he was practically scanning them for data.

“Went off without a hitch!” Nate cheered, flopping down in one of the armchairs as he high-fived their new speedster.

“Awesome.” Ray forced himself to laugh, then slipped off to his quarters, undetected, and started packing. He was just getting to his shirts when Mick barged in.

“Where you going?”

“Home,” Ray said. “I, um, was hoping you’d come with me, just to drive the jumpship back. Don’t want to accidentally rob the team of one of our best assets!”

Mick grunted. “Why?”

“Well, the jumpship is a crucial part of-ʺ

“Not that. Why?”

Ray swallowed and went back to folding his polos. “I’ll be better off in 2018.” You’ll be better off without me, he didn’t say.

“Fine,” Mick grunted. “Let’s go, already.”

Ray nodded and slung his backpack over his shoulder, tucking his suit into his pocket.

The two didn’t say another word to each other until they landed in Star City. Mick clasped Ray on the shoulder. “You got somewhere to go?” he asked.

Ray nodded. “Yeah, I think I have some friends who’ll take me in.”

Mick shoved a piece of paper into his hand. “In case you don’t.”

Ray glanced down at the scrawl of an address, not sure if that was a 7 or a 1. He didn’t want to be a bother and ask. He tucked the paper into his pocket, next to his suit, and nodded. “Thanks.”

“Don’t be a stranger,” Mick called over his shoulder, as he climbed back into the jumpship.

Ray nodded slowly and turned to walk through the blistering heat of the afternoon sun. By the time he reached his destination, it was nearly midnight. He knocked on the door and waited.

Just as he was about to walk away, it opened. “Oh, my God, Ray?” Felicity asked.

Ray gave a small, barely-there smile, not enough energy left to fake it. “Hey, Felicity,” he said.

Felicity tugged him down for a hug, then lead him into the apartment.

“Will Oliver mind?”

“No,” the man himself called from the bedroom doorway. “Oliver won’t mind. Is everything okay?”

Ray tried to smile, he really did try, but it broke, and then he was just trying not to cry. “Can I stay here for a bit?”

“Our couch is yours,” Felicity promised. “Humble though it may be.”

Ray nodded gratefully, then gestured uselessly a moment.

Felicity smiled and switched to ASL. THERE-BATHROOM.

THANK-YOU. Ray disappeared as quickly as possible, leaving them to discuss him in private. It was only for a little while. He wouldn’t overstay his welcome. He stared in the mirror for a long moment, composing his game face before he had to return to the living room. He flushed the toilet he hadn’t used just in case, then took the time to wash his hands, even though he didn’t need to.

When he went back, Felicity had already gone back to bed, and Oliver was finishing setting blankets and pillows on the couch. He clapped his hand on Ray’s back as he went back to the bedroom.

Ray sighed and turned off all the lights, then settled into bed and spent the next several hours staring at the ceiling, calculating based on their actions, how long he should stay.

He eventually settled on two weeks.

And so, after two weeks of Felicity and Oliver tip-toeing around him like he would break – and were they really so wrong about that? Honestly, he was such a liability – he packed up and took the train to Central, heading immediately for Jitters to take advantage of the free Wi-Fi.

Three hours later, Barry settled into the seat opposite him and pushed another coffee his way. “Felicity’s panicking, and I think if Oliver were anyone else, he would be, too.”

“I’m sorry,” Ray murmured, burying his face in his mug, so he didn’t have to make eye contact.

Barry hummed and reached over to squish his other hand. They sat like that for a while, Barry bouncing his leg, knocking into Ray’s knee, before the speedster finally spoke up. “What’s wrong?”

Ray shrugged. “It’s nothing, it’s just – ʺ He sighed. “I came to the realization recently that I’m not good with people. I’m….” He chuckled. “I’m pretty bad with them, actually. I’m – I’m too much.”

“Who gave you that idea?” Barry asked.

Ray shook his head. “No one. I tested it, scientific method and everything. Nobody needs me.” His voice wavered, and he couldn’t stop his lip from trembling. “I try to be smart, and I try to be nice, but nobody needs me. I even tried being a criminal once, and I wasn’t good enough.”

“What about the Legends?”

“No, I’m – I’m a physicist and an engineer, and they’ve got Jax and Stein.”

Barry opened his mouth, but Ray shook his head.

“And you’ve got Cisco and whichever Wells you’re on now.” Ray shrugged, voice breaking as he continued. “Oliver’s got his team, and in the future, my brother gets all the credit for my company. Anna’s dead, Kendra’s gone, Nate has Wally now.”

“Wait – what about Nate and Wally?”

“Not like that.” The tears finally spilled over. “Nate was my best friend.” Ray took a deep, shaky breath. “It’s my fault, really. I wasn’t good enough. I’ve got four PhDs, and I’m never – never good enough.”

Suddenly, there were heavy footsteps, and Barry looked up in alarm, and then Ray felt himself pulled upward into a tight hug that smelled of grease and sweat and butane.

“For someone so awful smart, you’re awful stupid, Haircut.”

“Mick?” Ray mumbled against the arsonist’s jacket.

Mick grunted. “We don’t need you.”

Ray trembled at the confirmation and tried to pull away, but Mick was holding him too tight.

“But we sure as hell want you.”

Ray shivered as he broke down completely, weeping into Mick’s shoulder. “’Snot that easy,” he sobbed.

“Why not?” Mick growled. “You think I would’a stuck around the last two weeks if it wasn’t?”

Ray tentatively reached around and clutched at the back of Mick’s jacket, gasping in great, heaving lungfuls of air.

Finally, Mick released him, smoothing away his tears with surprisingly gentle fingers, gloved though they were. “You gonna quit being stupid and come home with me now?”

Ray swallowed nervously and shook his head.

“You can always come back here if it’s still so terrible,” Barry offered.

Mick gave the speedster a look, then nodded. “I’ll be having words with our crew. Haircut?”

Ray hesitated but nodded.

“Good,” Mick grunted. He hoisted Ray’s backpack over his shoulder, then took him by the hand and walked him out of the shop and back to where he’d stashed the jumpship.

Once they were back in the air, Ray went quiet, staring out the window.

Mick keyed in the coordinates for the temporal zone, then turned to look at him carefully. “Speak up. Bottling things in ain’t healthy.”

Ray snorted. “Pot, kettle.” He wiped his face. “I’m sorry, I mean-ʺ

Mick harrumphed and sat next to him, pulling him close.

“I thought you didn’t like being touched.”

“Tell anyone, and I’ll kill you.”

Ray nodded and leaned down, pressing his cheek to Mick’s chest. “How do they want me?”

“What?” Mick growled.

Ray shrugged. “You said they want me. Do they want my mind? My – my body? I can’t be what they want unless I know what it is.”

“You weren’t listening.” Mick sighed and closed his eyes a moment. “It would be real stupid of anyone to pass up your mind or body. But we just want you and your stupid hair and stupid smile and stupid laugh.”

“Wait, what?”

Mick’s hand slid from Ray’s shoulder to his hip and squeezed. “Don’t worry about it right now. Just be your stupid self.”

Ray propped himself up to look into Mick’s eyes, searching for something. After a moment, he leaned down and pressed their lips together.

“That’s not being yourself.”

“But was it okay?” Ray asked. “Was it what you wanted?”

Mick sighed. “You got a lot of issues, Haircut,” he said, as the jumpship finally docked. “We’ll work on that. Step One: Welcome Back.”


End file.
